Privacy: How to Protect Yours

For many kinksters, privacy is a key concern. However, while there is no foolproof way to maintain your privacy, there are many small steps that you can take to safeguard your identity online. It is relatively trivial to piece together someone’s identity using multiple small pieces of information that can be cross-referenced and linked together. Whilst someone knowing your real first name is unlikely to figure out your identity, knowing your occupation, profile name, and your first name is going to make it much easier for someone to link something up.

In this guide, I’m going to focus on protecting your identity online, and leave the IP anonymity tips to the experts. As I live in Singapore, some of the tips are in the local context, however, I think most should be applicable globally.

Profiles

  • Don’t use the same kinky profile name that you’ve used anywhere else for any non-kink related social media, game, forum, blog, etc. I’ve had a few kinky friends use their kink names for games like Ingress/PokemonGo (GPS-tracking games… what could go wrong here…)
  • Don’t reuse your profile descriptions from OKCupid, Tinder or other vanilla dating sites
  • Kinky “profiles” include Fetlife, Recon, the instant messenger client you choose to use (kik, telegram, Line, wechat, etc), your email address (the part before the @).
  • Create a set of email/messenger accounts that will purely be used for kinky purposes, and are not linked to your vanilla identity.
  • Fetlife’s history feature will also show your previous username if it hasn’t scrolled off. So if you joined the site using an easily identifiable username, I would advise you to start a new account instead of changing the username.

Phone numbers

  • For convenience, many of us give out our phone numbers for whatsapp, SMS or voice contact.
  • Facebook. Don’t give Facebook your phone number. Even if you don’t give Facebook access to your address book or contact list, if your phone number appears in someone else’s address book, Facebook will use this information to make friend suggestions. If you have your face showing in your Facebook photo, someone just found out your real name.
  • Reverse lookups are not terribly difficult to do for phone numbers
  • Your whatsapp name will appear when sending whatsapp messages to new contacts. As I give my number out to both vanilla and kinky folk, I use generic emoji instead of a name in whatsapp. My whatsapp profile photo doesn’t have my face or identifying information.
  • Don’t use messengers that link your phone number for kinky purposes.
  • For maximum privacy, use a burner phone number for kink, preferably pre-paid, and linked only to a dumbphone. That said, the Singapore government requires your ID to be recorded whenever you buy a pre-paid SIM card. Google Voice numbers allow you to have multiple numbers on a single phone.

Pictures/Videos/Images

  • Don’t use any pictures on FL that have ever appeared on any other non-kink related social media. This includes photos of your dog, faceless vanilla photos, etc. Reverse image searches (such as Tineye, Google Image Search) are surprisingly powerful.
  • Don’t have a face photo as the profile photo on your Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn etc. This will make it harder for people to simply browse for your profile if they’ve somehow managed to find out your real name
  • Be careful about identifying marks/information in your photos. This could include jewelry, tattoos, unique scars, etc.
  • Be wary of appearing in the background of photos taken during kink events. Look out for mirrors as well.
  • Strip metadata from your pictures before sending/posting them. Fetlife does this, but if you want to be extra careful, you should use appropriate programs to strip metadata from your photos. Metadata can include the type of device used to take the photo, the GPS location (often your home)
  • Cropped photos often retain the original image in the metadata. It is best to either strip the metadata, or crop out features when taking the photo itself.

Your Job/School

  • This usually comes up during conversation with kinksters that you’ve just met. This is such a common ice-breaking question during vanilla introductions that many people just default to it during kink introductions as well. I politely deflect the question, and if pressed, I just say “no”.
  • Be vague about the industry you work in, and be really careful about naming the exact company that you work for

Things lying in plain sight

  • If you are hosting a play session, you might want to sanitize your home of anything that might reveal sensitive information.
  • This might include: mail, business cards, bank statements, personal correspondence, T-shirts/bags/caps with your company name on it, magazines, Redmart delivery bags, etc
  • Don’t leave your phone lying around during play. Messages often show up on the lock screen, with your vanilla profile name showing.
  • Don’t pass your phone to someone. Messages/emails from your vanilla account might pop up while they are looking at that pretty picture of you in rope.

Transit hotels in Singapore

  • If you use a transit hotel in Singapore for a short-term booking (2+ hours), both of you will be required to hand over your identity documents to the counter staff. If you’re not comfortable with that, don’t use these venues.
  • In addition, the counter staff will simply hand both cards back to one of you when they are done scanning the data. If you don’t want your play partner to know your real name, address, age, NRIC number, etc, you might want to be the one picking the cards up.

Do let me know if you have any further tips and suggestions.

Guide to Singapore BDSM Events

I’ve gotten quite a few questions about the various kink events that regularly happen in the Singapore BDSM scene. The scene has grown rapidly in the last 3 years, and we now have 4-5 kink events happening regularly each month! Yay for choice!

I’ve put down my personal thoughts about the events I regularly attend. Arranged in calendar order. Please feel free to share your own thoughts about the events in the comments.

Singapore Learn And Play (SLAP!)

Type: Education
Venue: Depends on type of event.
When: 1st Saturday of each month. Late afternoon to evenings.
Dress code: Vanilla to the door. Check specific event rules.
Cost: Depends on event. Some events are free.
Audience: 18+/21+ (see SLAP! guidelines). LGBTQA friendly.

If you want to have a safe place to learn more about kink, this is a good place to start. Discussion groups are focused, moderated discussions to share and learn from each other. SLAP runs regular kink 101 discussions targeted towards newbies as well.

Rope and D/s socials are other peer learning formats that SLAP facilitates for the community to learn from each other in an informal setting.

Workshops and skill-shares (conducted by your peers or by visiting experts) are more structured learning experiences. These range from lecture-style, to workshops with demos, and hands-on workshops.

FULL DISCLOSURE. I facilitate SLAP!, but I’ve also found my own skills/knowledge improving as I’ve attended our workshops. It’s fun to eat your own cooking

How to attend

Join the SLAP! group on Fetlife to get notifications about their events. Each event will have its own Google form that you’ll have to fill up to register. (Fetlife event RSVPs don’t count, but are good for telling your friends you’ll be attending). Discussions and 101s are open to all, but other events require vouching. (See SLAP! guidelines).

Links

SG Under 35

Type: Traditional Munch.
Venue: Public. Restaurants and bars.
When: 2nd Saturday evening of each month, 6:30pm – 10:00pm
Dress code: Vanilla casual.
Cost: What you order. Mains (~$15-$30)
Audience: 18 – 35 year olds. LGBTQA friendly.

The U35 munch gives me a safe, comfortable vibe, and I use it primarily to catch up with friends and to make new ones. This is a classic munch, in terms of style. By this, I mean that if you randomly pick a munch in a big western city, the restaurant/bar format in a vanilla setting is the most common and traditional format.

There are a lot of newbies each munch, so newbies don’t need to worry about being the only new person in the group. Attendees are friendly to newcomers and the mods take pains to clamp down on creepy/predatory behavior at the munches. U35 mods will also conduct a short kink basics talk that covers safety, etiquette, consent, and other topics during the munch itself.

You’ll find a wide range of topics going on in the numerous conversations you’ll have throughout the evening. Once most people are done with their meals, they will circulate around to mingle.

How to attend

Join the SG Under 35 group on Fetlife to get notifications about their events. Fetlife events are usually posted 1-2 weeks before the event. RSVP on the Fetlife event at least 5 days before the event and you should get an invite with the location 2-3 days before the event.

Links

Sunday Munch, Adult Supervision Singapore

Type: Traditional Munch.
Venue: Public. Restaurants and bars.
When: 3rd Sunday afternoon of each month, 3:00pm – 6:00pm
Dress code: Vanilla smart casual.
Cost: What you order. Mains (~$15-$30)
Audience: 18+. LGBTQA friendly.

This is a fairly new munch, but I love that we have so many dates and timings for munches now. The feel of the munch is very similar to the U35 munch as the formats are similar. This is a classic munch, in terms of style. By this, I mean that if you randomly pick a munch in a big western city, the restaurant/bar format in a vanilla setting is the most common and traditional format.

The crowd will be slightly older (but mostly below 40) than U35, but there are a wide range of ages showing up, from 18 years old and up. Attendees are friendly to newcomers and the mods take pains to clamp down on creepy/predatory behavior at the munches.

How to attend

Fetlife events are usually posted 1-2 weeks before the event. RSVP on the Fetlife event before the event and you should get an invite with the location

Links

SGDomSub

Type: Hybrid Munch.
Venue: Semi-private. Taboo Bar (67 Neil Rd, Singapore 088897)
When: Last Wed/Thursday evening of each month, 9:00pm – 12:30am
Dress code: Vanilla to the door. Fetish gear (no boobs/genitals) inside. No shorts/slippers.
Cost: $28 cover charge for 2 drinks
Audience: 18+. LGBTQA friendly.

A little bit of everything. There is a large social component, with some very light play (usually no full-on scenes). There will be a mix of seated and standing groups. Ambience is generally good with dim lighting and there will be light background music.

Attendees usually wear a mix of casual clothes (no shorts/slippers allowed) or fetish gear. Most attendees will be in vanilla clothes, so don’t worry if you don’t have any fetish clothing. Normal bar/clubbing clothes will suffice. Some will show up in office-wear as well.

This is the most publicized munch outside of Fetlife, so there’s usually a pretty high turnover of attendees with a fair number of newbies as well as international visitors.

You’ll get 2 drink coupons with the cover charge, good for beer, wine, and house-pours. I find the house-pours quite weak, but that is a problem with Taboo house-pours in general. Beer and wine are what you’d expect to get elsewhere.

I don’t recommend that total newbies engage in play at the munch for several reasons. All of the commonly used consent/safety frameworks such as SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), PRICK (Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink) emphasize informed consent. By definition, newbies are less likely to be able to give informed consent because they might not have all the knowledge/information they need to in order to give informed consent or to negotiate properly. For example, newbies may not have sufficient knowledge of risks (where not to hit during impact play, risks of nerve damage for rope, how to do a hand check during rope play for nerve damage, how to safeword (while gagged), why you shouldn’t be left alone after being tied up, etc).

If you do play, please negotiate properly (for both the protection of the top and the bottom). If you don’t know how to negotiate, you probably shouldn’t play. The probability of a bad outcome is significantly higher when you play without a proper negotiation.

How to attend

Show up. They sometimes have the munch on Wednesdays. Please check their FL events for the exact day.

Links

King SG

Type: Munch/Parties
Venue: Varies. Usually in public locations.
When. Saturdays. Join their mailing list to get event notifications.
Dress code: (Munch) Vanilla, (Parties) Vanilla to the door, fetish gear inside
Cost: (Munch) What you order. (Parties) $20+
Audience: 18+. Gay/Bi males.

This entry will be quite brief as the group is very new. But KING is aimed at gay/bi male kinksters. They organize quarterly parties, and munches during the non-party months. PM me for more details about this.

How to attend

Event notices will be sent via email. Please join the mailing list by filling in this form.

Singapore Ethical Non-Monogamy Meetup

Type: Discussion & Social
Venue: Private location
When: Varies but at least monthly, usually weekends
Dress code: Vanilla
Cost: Free. Bring snacks/drinks to share
Audience: 18+. LGBTQA friendly.

This group is focused on building a community of like minded individuals, providing an opportunity to socialize in a safe space and to facilitate discussion on ethical non-monogamy. The meetups usually are a blend of socialization and discussion. Discussion only meetings between main meetings may be added in the future.

As not all polyamorous folks are kinky, there will be both vanilla and kinky folks present. The group is kink-friendly, although much of the discussion will be around vanilla topics related to ethical non-monogamy. I’ve found the discussions to be well facilitated, and the attendees to be thoughtful and candid about sharing their experiences.

How to attend

Run by Rob and Libby. Please send them a message at sgethicalnonmonogamy@gmail.com for more details. Additionally there is an invite-only secret Facebook group for discussion, resources and event planning.

Singapore Centralized Kink Library

OK, it’s not exactly an event, but it’s a great resource! Members of the local community, as well as some kind donors from the US, have donated and lent their books (the paper kind) to create a kink library. It’s got a mix of both fiction and non-fiction kink books on a wide range of topics.

It’s being administered by immoralrestraint and you should contact him via Fetmail to checkout any books you wish to borrow. He can usually be found at the Sunday Munch.

For more details, including the catalog and library rules, please visit the post for the centralized Singapore kink library

Asia Kink Con (SG) Rope Instructor/Performer: Nawakiri Shin

Shin

SLAP! is pleased to announce that Nawakiri Shin will be performing and teaching at Asia Kink Con (SG) 2015. (November 20th – 21st)

Nawakiri Shin started learning shibari in 2004. He is a founding member of BDSM.TW, the only BDSM support group in Taiwan, and the author of Essence of Shibari, 繩縛本事, a Chinese book on shibari.

He has performed in various events, both local and international, including Toubaku 2011 in Tokyo, London Festival of the Art of Japanese Rope Bondage 2012 and 2013, Asia Adult Expo in 2013, and in the Taipei Fringe Festival every year during 2011 – 2014. Besides performing, he also teaches shibari classes in Taipei every week.

Early in his career as a rope artist, he developed a reputation for his dynamic style, speedy tying, and dramatic performances. Over the years he has been transitioning into a more intimate, emotional style of bondage, creating a sense of love and connection which he hopes the audience will share.

More about Nawakiri Shin

Workshops taught:

  • Shibari 101. Starting out with rope bondage
  • Tying with connection
  • Intermediate rope

Please join SLAP! and turn email notifications on to receive the latest updates and signup information for Asia Kink Con (SG).

How to clean out your rectum for anal play

I had the privilege of teaching a class on anal play this weekend, as part of SLAP!’s December series of skill shares. I’d like to thank the participants for being so engaged. I had a lot of fun sharing my knowledge with you.

During our class, we went over how to clean your rectum for basic anal play. This method will cover 95% of all anal play scenarios, other than deep fisting and deep enema play. Here’s a good video that goes over the key principles. The video uses a shower-shot, but any of the usual enema methods will work.

  • Don’t use too much water. We don’t want water going into the colon
  • Water going into the colon tends to get trapped and stimulate the intestines into moving more feces down. This tends to lead to a bit of a mess
  • You’ll need to experiment to get the amount of water right
  • Rinse and repeat until the water runs clear
  • (Optional) Wait 1-2 hours for any remaining water to get re-absorbed by the rectum

SLAP! is a non-profit group that delivers quality learning experiences for the Singapore BDSM community. The SLAP! Skill­Share Series is aimed at helping members learn or refine techniques, with the main focus being on safety. These are either non­demo (lecture style) or demo (hands­-on workshop) and are held in private spaces. For more information on our upcoming events, visit our Fetlife discussion group or sign up for our mailing list

How not to do a caning (and more than 10 tips to hit your sub safely)

I came across this picture of a bottom after a heavy caning session. The Top was quite clearly unsafe during this scene, hitting the kidney area with sufficient force to cause bruising and welts. Don’t hit the kidney area unless you want to cause some serious internal damage to your bottom!

97ZrkjF

Here are some guidelines that SLAP! put together and distributed during our Impact Play Workshop, in conjunction with our presenters. While certainly not exhaustive, we believe that it’s a good starting point. Play Safe and Have Fun!

KNOW YOUR BODY

  • Certain parts of the body are more suitable than others for impact play.
  • While light impact play is suitable against the face, feet, hands, breasts, lower legs, and genitals, heavy impact play should only be exercised against places with high fat and muscle content– so, the thighs, buttocks, lower shoulders, and at either side of the spine.
  • Keep in mind to not hit at the front of side of the body, where you run the risk of hitting vital organs.
  • You should never engage in heavy impact play against the face, neck, head, fingers, toes, or over skin that is healing.

SAFER AREAS FOR IMPACT PLAY

Here’s a pictorial guide. Red for No-go, Yellow for proceed with caution, Green for more suitable areas.

AREAS TO AVOID

  • Kidneys. The kidneys are located in the area of the back between the bottom of the ribcage and the top of the butt.
  • Tailbone. The tailbone is located at the base of the spine, it can be cracked or broken if hit.
  • Hips. The sides of the bum and along the bony part of the hips, where several nerves are located.
  • Spine. The spine, along the back, has several small bones that can be cracked or bruised.
  • Neck. The neck is a very sensitive area where many major arteries, tendons, glands, and lymph nodes are located, not to mention the larynx, and should never be hit!
  • Face. Although face slapping and other impacts to the face are sometimes seen it is best to avoid hitting this area of the body. There are many sensitive areas (sinuses, eyes, lips, cheekbones, etc) that can be easily damaged and those injuries could be permanent!
  • Ears. Hitting someone on the ears can cause permanent damage to their hearing or sense of balance.

TIPS

  • Stick to larger muscle groups.
  • Avoid places like lower back, kidneys and stomach, because hitting internal organs can cause dangerous internal bleeding.
  • Do not strike joints, bony areas, or spine. You can cause joint pain and troubles for your partner later.
  • Make sure your implement hits your target. Practice and communicate! Don’t let the flogger or toy get out of your control and wrap around the shoulders, hips or other sensitive areas.
  • Make sure you are not hitting anything/anyone on your backswing.
  • Genitals and breasts can only take a light to moderate level of impact.

THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR

  • Impact to the breasts can cause cysts to form.
  • Leather Butt – nerve endings in an area can get damaged from repeated heavy playing. You can avoid this by mixing up the parts of the body you play with, and giving yourself plenty of time to heal between scenes.
  • Watch for broken skin. If you do accidentally draw blood, keep the area clean with alcohol wipes, put on some gloves and clean your toys
  • Make sure your toys are in good shape. Damaged toys can cause unintended injury
  • Remove any jewellery before engaging in impact play. Rings and bracelets can cut, and earrings can accidentally be torn off.
  • The only alcohol involved should be used for disinfection. Drinking while playing affects your aim and judgement.

SAFE WORDS

  • Safewords and safe signals are important.
  • A safe word is established so that the action can be stopped instantly should anything go wrong.
  • A safe signal is used in situations where a word cannot be spoken, e.g., when the submissive is gagged or is wearing a hood.
  • Sometimes you could use a specific series of grunts, or it may be possible to hang on tightly to a bell and dropping it would be the safe signal.
  • A dominant should trust that the submissive will use his/her safe word if things are going too far. However, he/she must also look out for signs (eg: subspace) when the submissive is unable to use their safe word.

LIMITS

  • Establish limits before play – both hard and soft.
  • For impact play, limits may be necessary due to physical problems (certain injuries) or mental and emotional reasons.
  • Limits must be respected

Singapore Learn and Play (SLAP!) is a non-profit group that delivers quality learning experiences for the Singapore BDSM community. The SLAP! Skill­Share Series is aimed at helping members learn or refine techniques, with the main focus being on safety. These are either non-­demo (lecture style) or demo (hands­-on workshop) and are held in private spaces. For more information on our upcoming events, visit our Fetlife discussion group or sign up for our mailing list