A few of us did both workshops, and boy was it a rope intensive weekend for us. I’m sure a few of us went back with rope high. I know that my boy and I certainly did.
I learnt so much from Michael over the weekend, and it was truly money well spent. Even though I already knew a lot of what he taught, I got to see things from his perspective and experience his style.
I think at some point I let my OCD get the better of me and started focusing too much on technical aspects of ties and how to do it correctly. I’m not saying that isn’t important. It is. But I kept trying to perfect things and forgot to have fun and play.
This weekend, I learnt how to play again.
Michael had the riggers blindfolded, and asked us to start with a simple single column around the wrists. From there, we were to forget everything else and just use that one rope we had, and our body, to restrain and play with our bottoms.
Being blindfolded helped me to forget all the details that I usually focus on so much. It made me focus on my rope, my boy, and our bodies. I’ve never felt this connected to anyone when tying before. And it was fun. We both had such an intense connection that I wasn’t even thinking about the other people in the room. By the time I finally removed my blindfold, I realised that we had been playing for quite awhile and everyone else was done.
At the suspension workshop the next day, we learnt partial suspensions, but in that same concept of playing. We got our main ties done very technically and structurally sound, and then from there started playing with different ways to move the body around. I’ve always wondered how to do transitions, and I think I learnt exactly how to this weekend. My boy was all blissed out and in rope space after our suspension session.
It is always interesting to learn from and understand the perspectives and styles of different people, no matter what your experience level is. As long as you keep an open mind when it comes to learning, there’s always something to take away from even the most basic of workshops.
We at SLAP! are looking forward to bringing in more presenters to share their knowledge and experience with you.
Re-posting this from a thread in our FL Group.
Thanks 0celot for transcribing and posting this very detailed guide on toy care!
Our order from Pleasure Chest was accompanied by a rather comprehensive and concise pamphlet on toy care. Thought it’d be useful to share it here since I can’t find it on their website.
Here’s the PDF version, reproduced below.
**Please excuse any typos – had to OCR the pamphlet as the scanned version was rather difficult to read.*
MATERIALS: CARE AND CLEANING
may be shared safely after proper disinfecting
- Aluminum is a lighter weight metal that warms quickly to body temperature but can also be cooled or warmed with water for temperature play. It can be used with all types of lubricant. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner. Disinfect with isopropyl alcohol or boiling.
- Ceramic toys are double fired & covered with body-safe glaze to be non-porous, hygienic & durable. They may be warmed or cooled with water for temperature play & can be used with any type of lube. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner.
- Glass can be used with all types of lube & washed with soap & water or toy cleaner. Do not expose glass to extreme heat or cold & discontinue use if it becomes cracked or chipped. Disinfect with isopropyl alcohol.
- Medical-grade plastic & Elastomed are non-porous. They are compatible with all types of lube. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner. Disinfect with isopropyl alcohol.
- Pyrex is glass that is more resistant to impact or extreme temperature. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner. Disinfect with isopropyl alcohol or boiling.
- Silicone is hypoallergenic, hygienic & durable. To clean, wash with soap & water. Toys without electrical components can be cleaned by boiling for 3 minutes or on the top rack of your dishwasher with no soap. Silicone toys should not be used with silicone lube.
- Stainless steel toys are prized for their hardness, heft and hygiene. Try cooling them down or warming them up with water tor temperature play. They can be used with all types of lubricant. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner. Disinfect with isopropyl alcohol or boiling.
- Wood used in high-quality dildos is coated with various (depending on the brand) food-safe and in some cases medical-grade finishes that make them non-porous. Read labels on how to use & care for individual products. In general they can be used with all types of lube & should be cleaned with soap & water or toy cleaner. Do not boil & retire or discard if deep scratches occur.
are not safe to share without a condom, as they may transmit STIs & harbor bacteria & yeast.
- Acrylic can be used with all types of lube. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner.
- Cyberskin (also sold as Ultraskin, Softskin & UR3) is very delicate & must be used with water-based lube only. Most require a gentle & thorough wash with soap & water & air dry, but see individual manufacturer for specific instructions. To maintain the feel of Cyberskin & keep it from getting sticky, powder it lightly with cornstarch (never use talcum powder on or near the genitals) & use a plastic bag for storage. Condom use with these toys is highly recommended.
- Elastomer & TPR (Thermo Plastic Rubber) are durable, hypo-allergenic soft plastics free from phthalates. Use with water-based lube only. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner.
- Hard plastic (yes, it’s porous!) can be used with any type of lube. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner.
- Jelly-Rubber is a soft rubber that contains phthalates & may contain latex. Clean with soap & water or toy cleaner. Condom use is highly recommended.
- Leather can be cleaned with soap & water, with leather cleaner or a rubbing alcohol solution. Once leather is cleaned, it should be allowed to air dry for at least 24 hours. You may want to use leather conditioner to keep the leather soft & supple. Never soak leather.
- Neoprene should be washed with soap & water or toy cleaner. Allow to air dry fully.
- Nitrile is a latex-free synthetic rubber compound that is now used in many cock rings & gloves as an alternative for those with latex & other sensitivities. Dispose of all gloves after use for sanitary reasons. Clean nitrile rings with soap & water or toy cleaner.
- Nylon can be washed in the washing machine on the delicate cycle or by hand. Using a lingerie bag in the wash & air-drying can protect straps & help them keep their shape.
- Silagel, Silicone blend & Vinyl toys can be cleaned with soap & water or toy cleaner. They contain lower levels of potentially problematic chemicals than jelly-rubber, but they may still be present. Condom-use is recommended.
- Phthalates (pronounced “thal-ates”) are plastic softeners that are known to have carcinogenic properties. We do not recommend inserting them into the vagina or anus, the most absorbent areas of the body, without a condom.
SAFER WAYS TO SEXY
can not only increase the quality and duration of penetrative play, but also make sex safer for both partners, providing a slick cushion that prevents tearing.
- Never use any lubricants that contain the spermicide Nonoxynol-9 because it can irritate the skin & actually make you more susceptible to STls.
- Glycerin-free water-based lube is recommended tor vaginal sex, especially for women who are prone to yeast & urinary tract infections.
- Use extra lube for anal sex & never use oil-based lube with a latex condom.
- Do not use silicone lube with silicone toys.
Condoms, Gloves & Dams
are a must-have for safer sex with partners & toys.
- Never use oil-based lube with latex condoms, gloves or dams.
- For those with latex sensitivities, polyurethane or polyisoprene condoms & darns, plastic wrap & nitrile gloves are great alternatives. Polyurethane (NOT polyisoprene) & nitrile can be used with oil-, silicone- & water-based lube.
- Be sure your plastic wrap is the non-microwavable type, as microwave wrap has tiny holes & will not protect from infection.
- To create a slippery sensation & increase pleasure for the receiver, use gloves to apply lube to the area beneath the dam or plastic wrap before cunnilingus or analingus.
- Use fresh condoms, gloves or dams when switching between partners or from the anal to the vaginal area.
TIPS FOR A LONG AND HAPPY TOY LIFE
- Wash toys before their first use & immediately following each subsequent use.
- Always remove batteries when storing vibrating toys.
- Know whether your toy is water-resistant (“splash proof”) or water-proof. Only water-proof toys should be submerged.
- Be sure the rubber ring around the battery compartment of your water-resistant or water-proof toy is present, intact & tight. Do not use it in water if it is not.
- A bit of electrical tape around the wire or cord can strengthen & protect wired toys.
- Store porous toys separately in plastic bags.
- Never pull on or use the cord at a vibrating bullet as a “handle”. If you plan to insert it, put it inside a condom.
COCK RING SAFETY AND FUN
Cock rings made of rubber, silicone, wood, leather, metal and other materials keep the flow of blood In the penis, which creates an erection that is more sensitive, harder and may last longer. Many people also love the way they look.
WARNING: Do not use cock rings if you have a blood-clotting disorder or any nerve disease. Use caution if you take drugs for erectile dysfunction.
- Cock rings should be worn against the body, surrounding the base of the penis and the testicles. The fit should be snug, but comfortable. Some cock rings, such as smaller ones made of wood or metal, are designed to be worn around the shaft only. Always read manufacturer instructions.
- Adjustable cock rings are recommended tor new users. They are often leather with snaps or rubber bolo styles.
- Put on the cock ring before the penis becomes hard. Non-adjustable cock rings should be entered one testicle at a time then tuck the penis through head first. Lube can ease this process, but be sure to hold the ring until you’re completely hard to avoid slippage.
- Do not wear a cock ring for more than 2 hours and remove it if the swelling is overly pronounced and accompanied by pain, numbness or cold genitals.
- Wait until you are flaccid to take off your cock ring.
G-SPOT AND P-SPOT
The G-spot, also known as the urethral sponge, is not as elusive as you may think. It is the area inside a woman’s vagina that fills with fluid when aroused. It’s located at the front wall of the vagina and can feel textured & bumpy. Pressure applied to the G-spot can feel very pleasurable and some women are even able to ejaculate liquid (which is not urine) from the urethra.
The Prostate, also known as the P-spot or male G-spot, is a gland located between the rectum and bladder. During arousal the prostate fills with fluid which helps semen travel through the urethra upon ejaculation. The spot can be felt through a man’s anus as an area similar in size and texture to a walnut. Stimulation of this area heightens pleasure for many men.
To locate the G-spot or P-spot, insert a finger or fingers 2-3 inches into the vagina or anus and press upward gently towards the belly button using a milking or come-hither motion. It helps to use lube and for the receiver to be very relaxed and comfortable.
- Toys with a gentle, upward curve aid in solo or partner G-spot or P-spot exploration. Be sure all anal toys have a base.
- Clit stimulation during G-spot play can enhance arousal and orgasm.
- Position is crucial for G- or P-spotting during partner penetration. Remember to angle upward, toward the belly button.
- If you’re trying to experience female ejaculation, a.k.a. squirting, bear down and pull the toy/penis/fingers out of the vaginal canal during orgasm as a full vagina can hinder ejaculation.
- Bodies will respond differently to different types of stimulation so experiment with pressure, rubbing, tapping and vibration of the G- or P-spot to find what feels best.
- Your goal should be pleasure, exploration and fun!
ENTERING THE BACK DOOR
When engaging in anal play, it is essential to relax and use plenty or lube. Unlike the vagina, the anus is not self-lubricating. One of the key things to remember about anal adventures with a partner is the incredible amount at trust Involved. Practice open communication with your partner and let the person being penetrated control the action, at least in the early stages.
- Use a lot or lube. Silicone lube is great for butt sex because it stays slick for a long time, but water-based lube can be thicker and more cushioning for delicate anal tissue. Experiment to find what’s right for you.
- Avoid numbing tubes or creams that are unsafe because they inhibit the body’s pain response and could cause you to overdo it.
- Only use toys with a handle or flared base, otherwise they can slip inside the rectum during use. Cover porous toys with condoms for safer sex and easy cleanup.
- Condoms, gloves and dams are not only great tor safer sex, but can reduce friction during anal play.
- Before entering, use a finger to stimulate the sensitive outer area of the anus to excite and relax it. When penetrating with a finger, enter pad-first to avoid scratching. Short fingernails and/or wearing gloves help.
- During butt play, don’t enter the vagina with the same toy/finger/penis without thoroughly washing it or changing condoms. This can lead to infection.
- Always pull out of the anus gently and carefully.
Source: “PLEASURE PRINCIPLES: Tips, Tricks & Toy Care” from Pleasure Chest
“Just be your usual guai lan self. He want, you don’t give. He don’t want, you give more.”
This was the piece of advice someone gave me before my very first session.
Everyone is different. I think the most important first thing to figure out is what your style is. That, and learning the right techniques and knowing how to play safely.
Technique and Safety
Between the time I first thought about topping to the time I actually topped someone, it was about 1.5 years (or maybe more). I had been thinking about it for a very long time, but it was only after learning proper techniques at the 2 kink conferences in Hong Kong that I felt I was ready to try.
I personally don’t like doing things without the proper research. I also don’t do anything to my subs that I haven’t tried on myself. I like to know exactly what I’m doing to the other person. Some call it my OCD, some think I’m a perfectionist, but I think it’s also about being in control of the situation.
The kink conferences were the perfect place for me to learn. This was a weekend full of workshops from experienced people, some of whom also came from overseas. They taught us the skills we needed, and more.
At both kink cons, I attended workshops on how to do rope, impact play, CBT, humiliation, etc. I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what I was doing, and don’t end up screwing someone else up, or breaking something/someone. These workshops taught me skills I didn’t already know, and I learnt so much from a FemDomme presenter about what I could do to a male body.
While you can learn a lot from the Internet, it is so much better to learn first hand from someone experienced, and also learn tips and tricks that they might have figured out themselves while experimenting. This is also why we encourage members to attend our skill-shares.
Finding your style
Equipped with these skills and techniques, I was still having trouble trying to top. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t giving my bottoms what they wanted, and was questioning whether they really liked it.
Speaking with a few more experienced Dom/mes, they told me to worry less about what the bottom wants, but rather what I wanted out of it.
I’m not saying that the bottom is unimportant. He/she is the most important person you need to watch out for. But once you figure out what you want, it becomes a lot easier to find a bottom with similar kinks, and/or to match your kinks with your bottom’s when you are negotiating the scene.
Find out what you like. Do you want play to be sensual? Do you prefer intense, sadistic play? Are you looking for someone to wait on you and do your chores? Or are you just a rope top who just wants to tie a bottom up?
It took a bit of time and experimentation, but I’ve figured out what really interests me – rope, inflicting pain, mind fuckery, humiliation and predicament bondage. It’s so much easier now to find a sub/bottom with matching interests, and I also know that as long as I’m enjoying myself, he/she will be too.
Play parties are great for this.
You don’t have to go into serious Dom/me mode, but you can experiment with various toys and see where things take you. Because it is a group setting, you can be assured that there are always more experienced people around who can help you, or point out anything that you might be doing wrong.
The first time I topped someone was at a play party. I knew there were very experienced people in the room who were looking out for me and my bottom in case anything goes wrong, and I knew they would correct me if I did something wrongly.
I definitely recommend playing at parties to gain experience, and to watch other scenes and learn from them.
If you are experimenting in private, constant communication is key. If you are playing with an experienced sub, he/she should tell you if anything feels wrong. You should also keep checking in on your sub to make sure that things are going well.
Planning a scene
I like to have a few main things planned, and then fill in the blanks around it.
My very first scene as a Domme was very simple. These were the 3 things I had planned:
- Go with him and make him buy a pet collar at the pet shop near my place – I scouted Out the place prior to our play session to make sure they had collars that could fit humans.
- Play an evil predicament game – something to do with a zipper line ;)
- Use my pole as a whipping post – I had my ropes tied to the pole in preparation because I wanted to see his reaction when he saw it.
Be creative when filling in the blanks around your main points. Anything can be perverted. Go with the flow and follow your gut when inspiration hits.
I find that I become more creative when I have a partner to bounce ideas off. Therefore, when my sub gets smart-mouthed or says something interesting, I tend to pick up on that and find more evil things to do.
I told my bottom that I bought a bamboo mop handle especially for him. When I asked what implement he wanted me to hit him with, he chose the mop handle, not knowing that I had only intended to use it as a spreader bar. Well, more fun for me (and more pain for him)!
At a recent play party, a masochist I used to play with showed me an interesting contraption. This device picks up sound or music, and delivers electric shocks to the beat of the music. I had a brilliant idea. What if I left the receiving end near my bottom’s mouth. If I hit him hard enough, he will scream and the receiver will pick it up and deliver a shock. And if he screams again because of the shock… it becomes a vicious cycle.
Many times, subs end up saying things that will give you a thought-starter. I don’t know why, but their mouths like to get them into trouble a lot.
These are just a few tips from my personal journey in finding my Domme side.
If you want to find out more, SLAP! will be doing a series of skill-shares around the topic of domination at our March event.
Featured on SimplySxy
We are excited to announce that we have partnered with Alice Maple for amazing deals exclusive to SLAP! members.
Most of you already know and love Alice Maple, the people who bring us our toy orders within the next day! If you don’t, it’s not too late to check out their online store.
We are working with them to bring in great quality toys for show and tell at relevant workshops, so you get see the actual toys before deciding to buy them.
Best news, Alice Maple is offering all SLAP! members 11% off their regular priced items. Use the promo code “SLAP” for the discount, effective immediately.
– adapted from the article contributed by zwith
You have been chatting with someone online or at a munch for a while now and you want to meet up and get to know them better, or even consider playing. You arrange for a time and place to meet, and if all goes well, it could be the first steps to a potentially awesome play session.
There is always a lot of excitement and anxiety surrounding a first meeting, but there are also many ways that things can go wrong.
Some questions you should always ask yourself include:
- Who am I meeting?
- What are we doing at the meeting?
- When and where are we meeting?
- What safety precautions can I take?
What is the purpose of the meet up? Is it to get to know the other person better with the objective of potential play? Is it to negotiate the scene?
Set the agenda of the meeting. Stick to it.
If your objective is to find out more about the person, then don’t jump into play right away on the first (or even second) meeting.
Who are you meeting?
It doesn’t hurt to do a little bit of cyber-stalking before you meet. You will be able to find hints about the person you are meeting from the photos he/she likes and his/her comments on threads. But don’t go all psycho stalker too, obviously.
Do your research on that person. Get references. Talk to others in the community and ask about their impression of the person you are meeting.
Location, location, location
Always meet in a public place. Like a place full of people.
A secluded bar that no one else goes to is not a public place. The void deck below his/her home that is quiet and undisturbed is not a public place.
You don’t want to be caught in a situation that you cannot get out of, especially when you don’t know the other person yet. A public place ensures that you always have help nearby or can run away should the situation turn bad.
Red flags should be raised if he/she does not want to meet in a public place.
Whether you are a newbie or an experienced player, safe calls are very important for first time meetings.
Get a friend to check in with you at regular intervals, and pre-arrange coded answers. Also let your friend know where and what time you are meeting, and update your friend if anything changes.
Friend: Is everything ok?
You: Yea, I wanna eat chicken rice tomorrow. (if everything is ok)
You: Yup, we’re still meeting tonight. Are you picking me up? (if things are not ok)
You don’t have to tell your friend that you are meeting someone kinky. I told my safe call that I was going on a blind date and to check in on me in case he turned out to be an axe-wielding mass murderer.
Let the person you are meeting know that you have a safe call in place. If he/she objects to it, it raises a red flag early and you would have averted a potential disaster. If the person you are meeting is serious about the lifestyle, he/she will appreciate the fact that you are taking the meeting seriously too.
Personally, I also like to have an “out” or “escape plan”. For example, if you are meeting at 7pm, say that you are also meeting other friends at 10pm.
Don’t get drunk
While alcohol is a great social lubricant, getting high or drunk is not.
You want a clear mind to judge a person’s character during that first meeting. More importantly, you want a clear mind to make safety calls and judgements for yourself.
Drink only if you have to, and within your limits. If you know that you will get high after 2 drinks, have only 1. If you can’t hold your liquor, drink juice.
When all is said and done, the most important thing to remember is to enjoy yourself! First time meetings are like going on dates. Have fun, find out about the other person, see if you connect, and maybe one day you can talk about playing.
So you’ve read 50 shades of stupid 10 times over and it causes a tingle down south. You think you know what BDSM is all about and want to jump right into the action and find a Christian Grey to your Anastasia Steel.
Or, you might have not read that stupid book (yay you!) but have found out that kink interests you.
Whatever the reason, you want to get into the scene and figure out if kink is for you.
How do you do it? How do you protect yourself? How do you know that your pseudo Christian Grey is not in fact a psycho serial killer?
GO TO A MUNCH (I cannot stress this enough.)
Over the years, I’ve heard ridiculous reasons for people not attending a munch. I myself have used some of these reasons to psych myself out of attending munches (when I was young and stupid).
An excerpt from Wikipedia:
A munch is a casual social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM. Munches often take place at a restaurant, bar, or coffee shop.
Munches provide an avenue for kinky people to meet up and socialize – whether to talk about kink, or to talk about what you had for lunch. By going to a munch, you get to meet your local community as well as the community leaders. You meet like-minded people in a non-threatening environment, and you’ll actually find that kinky people are very normal.
For a newbie, taking that first step to go to a munch can seem daunting. I knew a girl who stood outside the munch location and smoked 10 cigarettes while crying (because she was doubting her sanity) before she dared to step in. I too chickened out of my first munch. I was at the doorstep but I made a u-turn and headed into another bar.
Do not be afraid to approach someone, especially if they are a community leader, to ask them to bring you to your first munch.
One of the most pressing concerns when it comes to attending a munch is whether you might bump into someone you know. Don’t forget that if they are at the munch, they will probably feel just as worried as you. As long as no personal information is divulged, there should not be a cause for concern.
Singapore has 2 social munches – the SGDS and U35s groups each run their own munches. SLAP! runs educational discussion groups, which are aimed at educating the community.
Things to take note of when going for a munch
1. Do not wear fetish attire. It is a casual gathering in a public place.
2. Always look out for your own safety. Do not disclose any personal information.
3. Talk to the community leaders. They are there to help integrate you into the group and also to approach if there are any problems.
4. Do not out anyone. If you happen to see someone you know, keep it to yourself. Outting is seen as a serious offence in most communities.
5. Read the community guidelines before attending a munch.
Get to know your community leaders
The people who run the community usually do it out of their own free will. This means that they are all personally invested in the cause to create a safe environment for kinksters and/or curious newbies.
There are 3 main kink groups in Singapore, and each group have their own leadership made up of experienced kinksters. Spend some time to talk to the leaders during munches and/or events, and I assure you that you will get your questions answered or be re-directed to someone who can answer them.
The community leaders are the pillars of your local community. You can approach them if you have any kink-related questions and/or problems.
LEARN before you play.
Research and find out more about kink before deciding to dip your toes in. Think about what you think you might like and dig deeper into the huge information cloud called the internet.
The best site for BSDM socialization would have to be FL. It is not a dating site, but instead hosts many discussion threads based on interest groups. This is a treasure trove of information for any newbie.
In Singapore, SLAP! hosts discussion groups and skill-share sessions aimed at education and focused on safety.
This is a larger topic that cannot be fully covered here. But always remember to look out for your own safety when ever you meet someone new.
SLAP! runs “Kink Basics” sessions repeatedly, and this would be a good place to learn how to start out playing.
The main points are:
1. Safety, Safety, Safety!
2. Always have a safe call
3. Negotiate the scene and set limits (hard and soft)
4. Safe words are important!