Tips for the new Dom/me

“Just be your usual guai lan self. He want, you don’t give. He don’t want, you give more.”

This was the piece of advice someone gave me before my very first session.

Everyone is different. I think the most important first thing to figure out is what your style is. That, and learning the right techniques and knowing how to play safely.

Technique and Safety

Between the time I first thought about topping to the time I actually topped someone, it was about 1.5 years (or maybe more). I had been thinking about it for a very long time, but it was only after learning proper techniques at the 2 kink conferences in Hong Kong that I felt I was ready to try.

I personally don’t like doing things without the proper research. I also don’t do anything to my subs that I haven’t tried on myself. I like to know exactly what I’m doing to the other person. Some call it my OCD, some think I’m a perfectionist, but I think it’s also about being in control of the situation.

The kink conferences were the perfect place for me to learn. This was a weekend full of workshops from experienced people, some of whom also came from overseas. They taught us the skills we needed, and more.
At both kink cons, I attended workshops on how to do rope, impact play, CBT, humiliation, etc. I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what I was doing, and don’t end up screwing someone else up, or breaking something/someone. These workshops taught me skills I didn’t already know, and I learnt so much from a FemDomme presenter about what I could do to a male body.
While you can learn a lot from the Internet, it is so much better to learn first hand from someone experienced, and also learn tips and tricks that they might have figured out themselves while experimenting. This is also why we encourage members to attend our skill-shares.

Finding your style

Equipped with these skills and techniques, I was still having trouble trying to top. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t giving my bottoms what they wanted, and was questioning whether they really liked it.

Speaking with a few more experienced Dom/mes, they told me to worry less about what the bottom wants, but rather what I wanted out of it.

I’m not saying that the bottom is unimportant. He/she is the most important person you need to watch out for. But once you figure out what you want, it becomes a lot easier to find a bottom with similar kinks, and/or to match your kinks with your bottom’s when you are negotiating the scene.

Find out what you like. Do you want play to be sensual? Do you prefer intense, sadistic play? Are you looking for someone to wait on you and do your chores? Or are you just a rope top who just wants to tie a bottom up?

It took a bit of time and experimentation, but I’ve figured out what really interests me – rope, inflicting pain, mind fuckery, humiliation and predicament bondage. It’s so much easier now to find a sub/bottom with matching interests, and I also know that as long as I’m enjoying myself, he/she will be too.


Play parties are great for this.

You don’t have to go into serious Dom/me mode, but you can experiment with various toys and see where things take you. Because it is a group setting, you can be assured that there are always more experienced people around who can help you, or point out anything that you might be doing wrong.

The first time I topped someone was at a play party. I knew there were very experienced people in the room who were looking out for me and my bottom in case anything goes wrong, and I knew they would correct me if I did something wrongly.

I definitely recommend playing at parties to gain experience, and to watch other scenes and learn from them.

If you are experimenting in private, constant communication is key. If you are playing with an experienced sub, he/she should tell you if anything feels wrong. You should also keep checking in on your sub to make sure that things are going well.

Planning a scene

I like to have a few main things planned, and then fill in the blanks around it.

My very first scene as a Domme was very simple. These were the 3 things I had planned:

  • Go with him and make him buy a pet collar at the pet shop near my place – I scouted Out the place prior to our play session to make sure they had collars that could fit humans.
  • Play an evil predicament game – something to do with a zipper line ;)
  • Use my pole as a whipping post – I had my ropes tied to the pole in preparation because I wanted to see his reaction when he saw it.

Be creative when filling in the blanks around your main points. Anything can be perverted. Go with the flow and follow your gut when inspiration hits.

I find that I become more creative when I have a partner to bounce ideas off. Therefore, when my sub gets smart-mouthed or says something interesting, I tend to pick up on that and find more evil things to do.

I told my bottom that I bought a bamboo mop handle especially for him. When I asked what implement he wanted me to hit him with, he chose the mop handle, not knowing that I had only intended to use it as a spreader bar. Well, more fun for me (and more pain for him)!

At a recent play party, a masochist I used to play with showed me an interesting contraption. This device picks up sound or music, and delivers electric shocks to the beat of the music. I had a brilliant idea. What if I left the receiving end near my bottom’s mouth. If I hit him hard enough, he will scream and the receiver will pick it up and deliver a shock. And if he screams again because of the shock… it becomes a vicious cycle.

Many times, subs end up saying things that will give you a thought-starter. I don’t know why, but their mouths like to get them into trouble a lot.

These are just a few tips from my personal journey in finding my Domme side.

If you want to find out more, SLAP! will be doing a series of skill-shares around the topic of domination at our March event.

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About adriannamay

Adrianna took her first steps into a local BDSM munch 5 years ago and has been an active member of the BDSM community ever since. While in Singapore, she helped to organize the occasional ‘geekouts’ for the younger members of the BDSM community to get together and gel over board games and good food. When Adrianna moved to Hong Kong and thereafter Macao in 2012, she became actively involved in the community there, subsequently founding the Macao munch in 2013. She attended both Hong Kong Kink Conferences in 2012 and 2013, and brings with her experience from these international communities. She founded SLAP!, a group dedicated to BDSM education, in 2014, but left in 2015 because of relocation and other personal reasons. She now helps run the munches in Doha, and travels frequently to Dubai to get mroe involved with the community there. Adrianna started off as a submissive, but has since found out that she switches. She is now Domme to an amazing submissive boy. Adrianna loves everything to do with rope, mind fucks, humiliation, pain and she also gets quite sadistic when topping.

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